And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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