I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
