Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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