so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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