So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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