Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
