I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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