oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
