I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
