my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Shame is for Republicans.
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