Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
