my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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