I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
