Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
