piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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