is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
