I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
