It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
