This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
