WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
