What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
