I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
