Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
