someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
