Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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