You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
