It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
