I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
