We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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