we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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