I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
