You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
