I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
