Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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