I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
