Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
