Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
