I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
