life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
