you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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