official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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