I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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