I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
