Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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