In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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