i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
