Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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