the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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