My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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