Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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